I pride myself on being an extremely patient person. In an effort not to fall down some dark yet humorous rabbit hole, I won’t go into grave detail. Suffice to say that I’ve seen some shit, I’ve survived some shit and I’ve managed to keep my sanity. However, I will say that with everything I’ve seen and been through, I have developed a massive amount of patience.

Perhaps it’s because I generally have very bad luck, and I don’t expect much out of life. (Geez, it’s much harder to be upbeat than I thought it would be. I’m starting to see why people call me Eeyore…) Nonetheless, the sentence stands as accurate. I don’t like to think of myself as a pessimist. I’m definitely not an optimist. (You people are annoying, for the record.)

I prefer to call myself a realist. Like everyone else, I have dreams and desires and whatnot. I just tend to be a little slower about chasing those things than the average optimist. Unlike a pessimist, who I would assume wouldn’t bother to waste their time chasing dreams and desires, I actually do. I just REALLY have to be talked into it. Like…. REALLY. I attract optimists. I don’t get it either. (No seriously, I’m really seeing this Eeyore comparison more and more right now.)

Of course when you pride yourself on a good quality, the Big Man upstairs likes to remind you that you are a pitiful little human and you really know NOTHING about life or yourself… This brings me to the internal dialogue I recently had with myself about my perceived patience and being a writer. Like to hear it? Hear it go….

Me: I am so super patient. Like freakishly patient. I don’t understand how I do it, but man. It’s pretty phenomenal.

God: Oh, really? You think you’re patient, do you?

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Me: Well YEAH! I mean, You HAVE been watching these last 38 years, right?

God: Endurance isn’t patience, kid.

Me: But c’mon, Lord. I don’t get a *little* bit of credit for patience? I mean, look! I haven’t killed anyone or anything!

God: Yeah, that’s the bare minimum, kid.

Me: I still think I’m freakishly patient. Everyone says so!

God: Oh yeah? Okay, Shauna has been telling you to write a book. You’ve wanted to write a book your whole life…

Me: Well, I don’t know about my WHOLE life…

God: I was there… remember?

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Me: Fair point.

God: So, to show this infinite patience you claim and write one. Here, I’ll even give you a little inspiration. Dazzle me…

 

 

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Me: Okay fine! I got this!!! I. GOT. THIS

 

(Nov 2016 – Jan 2017)

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Jan 2017 – My self-esteem:

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Me:

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My wife:

 

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God: Remember? You’re patient….

Me: FIIIIIINNNNEEEEE

 

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October 2017

 

Me: LOOK!!! I FINISHED!! I FINISHED!!!

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My wife: THAT’S GREAT BABE! I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

Me: See, Lord? I did it! There were touch and go moments, but I did it!

God: So, I know it was 15 years ago, but do you remember writing papers for school?

Me: Yeah?

God: Did you just write it ONE TIME and turn it in?

Me: Uh……

God: Well?

Me: *mumble* No….

God: So what’s next?

Me: *mumble* Editing… But it’s so great! It shouldn’t take long!

God: Yeah…. Okay…

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December 2017 – March 2018

 

Editor: This is a great manuscript. It doesn’t really read like a 1st novel! There are just a few things we can tweak and edit.

Me: Okaaaayyy….

God: How you doing there, kid?

Me: ……. I’m hanging in there… We’re almost done!

God: Yeah… sure you are…

Schitts Creek Reaction GIF by CBC – Find & Share on GIPHY

 

May – July 2018

Editor: That’s great! It looks like we got something we can work with. Also, hey, I have a friend who is a publisher, and is interested in picking your book up for their first fiction entry. We just need to nail down time to meet! Until then, let’s get a final read through completed to make sure it’s good to go!

Me: Suuuurree… Yeah, let’s do that…

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God: Still hanging in there?

Me: I’m starting to think I’m not as patient as I thought I was….

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God: NOW you’re getting it, kid…

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Me: So…. what do I do? How can I keep my patience with this whole thing? You know my mind! You know the longer I wait the more disastrous outcomes I envision! You know that my mind is my own worst enemy! YOU gave it to me!

God: Hey! I gave everyone a mind, you made yours your own worst enemy on your own!

Me: Okay.. yeah.. but still… how do I find patience?! I’m dying here!!

God: No.. you aren’t.. if you were, you would have given up a long time ago. You got this, cause WE got this… Besides… if it were over, you couldn’t have dreamt up this entire conversation using GIFs… It’s pretty cute by the way.

Me: Thanks…

God: It’ll come… when it’s time… WE got this…